CANNAPAGES Mar/Apr 2022 Edition - Southern Colorado

CANNAPAGES Mar/Apr 2022 Edition - Southern Colorado

K I S S MACH I NERY

Dispatches from the Highlands

MARCH-APRIL 2022

Vol 8. Edition 4

News from CannaTown

$4.20 Cents

EASTERBUNNYSCREWSUPF***INGORDER HIGH-AS-SH*T RABBIT DELIVERS ONE HUGE STUPID F***ING EGG Holiday's future inquestion

Stu&LarrySeize JoJo's FrenchCafé, Page 6 Taking the food back for the people, a duo of crazies has seized JoJo's, and will likely bastardize the menu for the revolution. See French Café .........................Page 6 Geek Ball Returns " Lotta Singles", Page 8 Following a somewhat disastrous bachelor auction, the Geek Ball united almost 15 couples in timeless dance. See Lotta Singles............ ............Page 8 City Bridge Collapses Popsicle Sticks, Page 9 e city is rethinking its materials plans aer the GoldenGoat Bridge collapses. See Olympics.. ............................Page 9 Industry Updates National&Local, Page 16 Local Field Guide PurchaseRules, Page 26 Presents e Green Solution e CannaPassport

eColorO-White Photographer, Page 10 Cannatown Museum of Very High Art presents Bethany Johnson, the "authority" on non-color. See Photographer.. .................Page 10 ACollective Triumph Album Notes, Page 14 New albums, old albums -- they’re all game as Erickson takes on the soundtrack to your chill. See Album Notes. ..................Page 14 Green Canna-Bagels CousinDRecipe, Page 15 Savor for yourself or be the life of the party! Cooking with THC made easy. See Recipe ................................Page 15 GroupMakingPlumes Satellite Images, Page 12 WeeklyCannaScopes See Fortunes, Page 7 CannaSaver TM Today’s Coupons feature:

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Cookies Pueblo Page 61

e Epic Remedy Colorado Springs Page 87 Emerald City Colorado Springs Page 65

COMING 420 WEEK DEALS SO INSANE YOU'LL FREAK 1. Find the magazine insert 2. Sign up 3. Get your CannaPassport FREE 4. Get LOTS for LITTLE 420 Week!

21+ Tourist? Recreational Shops Listings on Page 27! FIRST-TIME SPECIALS LIST pg 20 **** SAVE BIGWITHCOUPONS pg 57

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Dispatches from the Highlands

$4.20 Cents

Cannatown News

CrazyStu&"StareyLarry"TakeOver JoJo's

Cannapages is a JohnsonConcept Company Published by e Highest Authority Since 2009

Nathan Johnson Micah Johnson Isaac Johnson Sales Director Dillon Rice Production Andrew Yanez Customer Success Molly Norton Market Sales Annie Weber Lead Developer

In a strange hyperbolic protest that seems to have gone o the rails, insane weirdos have now taken over JoJo's, the reputable French café in Cannatown. Crazy Stu McGuyla and “Starey” Larry Jen- kins, last seen guessing cows’ weights at the Hay Castle Emporium in Steemsville, allegedly showed up late Tuesday evening with im- plements of destruction and a sack full of haddock. It’s unknown how or why the two seized the restaurant, or what can possibly be achieved through the symbolic act. But a statement taped to the front window noted that they were ghting “oppressors and the status quo,” and thus, “taking back the food of the people, to destroy tyranny of the modern establish- ment.” Promising change that would shake the core of the cuisine, the two will likely ruthlessly bastardize JoJo’s signature dishes, such as decorating the Croque Monsieur with American cheese. Jenkins, known felon, has taken over hosting duties, bringing his signature "staredown" for an all-around uncomfortable dining ex- perience. e linen napkins have been replaced by paper towels. e dress code now allows for capes, and denim. “I had to hack at the soué with a screwdriver,” remarked one critic, "and I found a whole Big Mac in the Coq Au Vin." “Is it a revolution? I suppose,” remarked another patron. “Did I expect boxes of wine on the menu? No.” OTHER HEADLINES Canngress agrees to fund Cannatown thru 4:20pm tomorrow City Council: "We're going to Vegas!" pg 150 Pillow ght turns into brawling nap, dozens a'rested pg 157 Pepsi introduces intravenous helium pg 166 Gov't issues war bongs pg 171

Mike Morris Contributors Dan Henrickson Matthew A. Erickson Rolv Harris Cover Art Justin Redmon RedRevoltDesign.com Get Cannapages delivered order.cannapages.com Must be CO resident 21+ or Medical Card Holder Online at CANNAPAGES.COM and CANNASAVER.COM 1-800-699-8169 [email protected] Editorial | [email protected] Sales | [email protected] Copyright 2022

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publica- tion may be reproduced or reprinted without expressed written consent of the publishers. Using cannabis concentrates can lead to: 1. Psychotic symptoms and/or Psychotic disorder (delusions, hallucinations, or diculty distin- guishing reality); 2. Mental Health Symptoms/ Problems; 3. Cannabis Hyperemesis Syndrome (CHS) (uncontrolled and repetitive vomiting); 4. Cannabis use disorder / dependence, including physical and psychological dependence. Note: Consuming concentrates via inhalation will cause immediate eects. Concentrates aren't recommended for inexperienced users, and are not approved by the FDA. ey are not recommended for anyone under age 21 except by medical recom- mendation. Regulated cannabis dispensaries cannot provide medical advice. Cannapages is intended for readers aged 21+.

**Brought to you by Once-A-Day Vita-Slaps** “A bright slap in the face to jumpstart your day!”

Vol 8. Edition 4

News from CannaTown

Page 7

CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Your reputation may never recover, but at least the baby birds you accidentally sat on will. Taurus - Like the Batman, you will learn to personify your biggest fear. But villains will be perplexed by Dying-Lonelyman. Gemini - You would totally listen to that voice in your head more, if it wasn't always yelling in a foreign language. Cancer - Ever since you purchased ne art, you’ve nally felt like an adult. Now to just stop using Sparkle Crest toothpaste. Leo - You’re no foodie snob, but that is some damn expired milk in your fridge. Virgo - Everybody wants to meet you! Or, should we say, bring you in for question- ing.

Libra - Ever since your carnivorous plant ate a mouse, you've seemed to nd it staring at you, eerily abiding the time. Scorpio - As the sound echoes across the canyon and ricochets back you’ll realize it isn’t your voice, but a huge buckeye. Sagittarius - You might as well go ahead and delete your malware protection since you don’t believe in computer viruses. Capricorn - If you hit the brakes now, they might still be able to salvage the road sign. Aquarius - You had a great resignation, but you shouldn't have beefed up your resume with raw hamburger. Pisces - You've begun history’s worst diar- rhea in a dingy gas station commode with no toilet paper. WWIII can come anytime.

What Came to Pass News in Brief

Post Oce Upgrades to Used Roller Skates Chad Hawkins at the Post Oce Supplies De- partment is in hot water this week aer going through with an order for approximately 420 used pairs of roller skates for postal workers, despite the overwhelmingly better technology available, like electric unicycles and Segways. "What can we say? We just like to kick it old- school," he claimed on Faux News. "Just ask Scarecrow, our head of security." Hawkins has also been criticized for replac- ing half of the operations' standard sorting machines with industrial-grade wood chip- pers typically used to mulch trees. In addition, every third package is now simply set on re. "ese complaints are all political," Hawkins said. "Just because one person is mad about me shredding their mail and then deliverying it months or even years late to the wrong house, and covered in feces, doesn't mean I'm a ter- rible choice for this job. But haters gonna hate."

e Bergs bid adieu to beloved family pipe, pE7

Stories in Today’s Other Sections

Oxford University issues formal apology for insuerable comma........................... E2 Stock manager encourages grocery custom- ers to buy the dip...................................... F6 Stranded group cool with staying put ......... ................................................................ G13 Robot dinosaur becomes mayor.............. H1

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Dispatches from the Highlands

$4.20 Cents

Cannatown News

GEEKBALLFOLLOWSLOW-TURNOUTBACHELORAUCTION

e Bachelor Auction and Geek Ball at the Nerditorium went o without a hitch Saturday night, as a majority of bachelors present did not get hitched up with dates. Roughly 13 couples and 176 singles showed up at the Steemboat Springs Ballroom for the “Night of Nerds” charity event to raise funds for a pair of R2D2 and C3POMemo- rial statues for the front terrace of Cannatown’s Moronic Lodge. e annual auction, which listed well over 100 eligible bachelors this year, began at 7PM to a somewhat quiet audience. With the rst bachelor onstage, the auctioneer

While envious peers watch, two lucky bachelors dance with the dates that bought them.

repeat the same conversation with the next, that the dance event was not going to be the buckets of promised fun either. e silence leading up to the musical por- tion of the night seemed to last for hours, even though just minutes. Every pin drop could be heard. “ank God for the DJ,” said organizer SamWul, “Once he started play- ing everyone could breathe a sigh of relief.” e nearly 97 singles who did stick around were able to watch the couples dance. ank- fully, a small group of bachelorettes remained at the ballroom and decided to dance with each other, or phoned other friends to drop by. In the end, the thirty or so additional party-crashers made up 90% of those on the dance oor and 100% of those at the bar. Together, the auction and ball ticket sales brought in roughly $376.43, for a net prot of just over -$4,700 aer promotional, sound and catering costs were tabulated.

began taking bids, but did not know how to react when absolutely none were oered. e night went downhill from there. e bids were few. In one case, a bachelor paid his “buyer” to buy him, in another case, one’s own mother made the sole winning bid. On at least four occasions, bidders requested a discount or refund before the night was over. Although the vast majority of contenders were played o-stage following a full half- minute of silence from the crowd, thirteen couples had been “matched” by the nal bang of the gavel, a record number for the event. ere was a long, awkward half hour of tear down and set up between things, dur- ing which most of the "getting to know one another" was supposed to transpire between new couples. However, it was clear, as most of the bachelors stood six feet away from each other, arms free of dates, a few talking about the weather at length, then turning to

Vol 8. Edition 4

News from CannaTown

Page 9

Cannatown News

CITYRETHINKS POPSICLE-STICKCONSTRUCTIONPLANS

It took nearly two years, thirteen metric tons of ganj, 100 workers, and roughly two trillion popsicle sticks, but the Golden Goat bridge, once thought a feat of engineering, came down in just seconds when a large box kite struck it yesterday aernoon. Nobody quite remembers how it was decided the bridge would be built with sticks, or who was really in charge, but blueprints originally created for the project suggested the bridge would be able to hold both trol- leys and cars, even when packed bumper to bumper. Instead, a brisk wind and ock of migrating birds damaged the bridge well before the ribbon-cutting ceremony had even concluded. en, moments later, it was fatally struck by the kite. “We probably shouldn’t have used Elmer’s Glue,” engineer Holly Zimmerman said when asked for comment, “or paperclips, when we ran out of glue.” e sticks themselves were always a point

of contention with the public, as many were delivered to the construction site, popsicles still intact. “e melting treats accounted for the signicant number of rodents and ght- ing seagulls in the neighborhood,” explained City Council member Tim Gonzalez. In ad- dition, the cables holding up the bridge were simply recycled ethernet cords. “In retrospect, if we had to do it all over again, I think we would probably have made the sticks bigger,” Zimmerman said. “Maybe a few trillion tongue-depressors would’ve been more stable.” Similar to the collapse of the papier mâché Bricklyn Bridge, a mess now consumes much of the riverfront, with no end in sight to the clean up. Citizens--and city ocials alike-- don’t know what exactly to do with the sticks, although some have suggested a giant bon- re. “is will go down in history unfortu- nately,” Gonzalez acknowledged. “But for the record, the materials were relatively cheap.”

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Dispatches from the Highlands

$4.20 Cents

Cannatown Lifestyle

Photographer Captures the Color of O-White

Man Scrapes 630lb ResinWad From His Ol' Sherlock A local man has bro- ken the record for resin scraped from a glass pipe. Bernie O. Holterman of Pun Heights lumbered up to the nuggetry weigh station in lower Canna- town yesterday for an of- cial weigh-in and photo op. He told reporters that, as he sat toking on his dirty Sherlock pipe, he decided to clear it with a little poker to hit better, and next thing he knew, he was pulling pound upon pound from the handheld glass. “It just kept comin’ and comin’,” he told a sizeable crowd at the ceremony, “and I just kept a’scrapin’.” e previous record for scraped-resin weighed in nearly 40 years ago, when one Justin Lund- berg hauled in a 602lb gunk from his dual chamber bubbler. At the time, there was a much larger market for resin- smakers, and the chunk was sold in pieces to nearby derelicts known as ‘Resiners.’ "Were I a younger man I would’ve kept this wad for myself,” he said, then announced he would do- nate the nd to science. He isn’t sure what will come next, but suggest- ed he may see what he can get out of some old spoons in the work shed.

Assistants hang an o-white sheet for Bethany Johnson to capture on camera.

Bethany Johnson has a knack for pasty, vanilla nothingness of non-color. So apt, that the Can- natown Museum of Very High Art will feature a collection of her work beginning next Friday. “is o-white just…strikes you,” said Willy Filkerson, avid collector and editor of Uninter- esting Art Magazine. “It’s star- tling, it’s emotional, it’s passion- less, it’s hateful, it’s cathartic.” e work, mostly photos of walls, sheets, and paper, explore the very essence of what it means to be a human. Her portraits have been featured everywhere from Tunisia to Berlin, gather- ing international acclaim along the way. Critics have hailed it as everything from disturbing and delirious, to downright devious and psychologically-manipula- tive. Yet, the artist seems to take everything in stride. “I try to pinpoint the moment on camera, when rainbow, and o-white intersect, but just slightly on the o-white side,”

Johnson wrote in her latest pub- lished work, A New Level of Dull . A growing following of enthu- siasts have adopted the move- ment, and crowds to her shows are notably swelling in number. “ere’s just something about the colors she captures,” says CMVHA director Carmen Si- mon, “It’s just so devoid of life, that it has absolute purpose, like dark matter. Or NPR.” Johnson rst started in the art world as a purveyor of beige, putting together nearly two full photo collections of primed drywall and men’s khaki pants. But a series of traumatic events forced her to take residence in an upstate apartment where she fell in love, then betrayed, by the color of her newly painted ceil- ing. “I sought to expose the very hues of drudgery surrounding us all,” she later explained. No matter the emotional angle, collectors are hooked on her art. “It just goes so well with my fur- niture,” remarked Filkerson.

Vol 8. Edition 4

News from CannaTown

Page 11

BUZZARDS

by Rolv Harris

is Comic Brought to you by ARTISAN DOOB TUBES "Old-Fashioned, Hand-Craed"

Just like your Uncle Rufus used to make'm in college, these artisanal doob tubes come from only the nest of toilet paper card- board and real Italian dryer sheets.

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Dispatches from the Highlands

$4.20 Cents

Cannatown Lifestyle

"Doomsday" Giant Plumes Found to be Man-made Given the string of global volcanic activ- ity over the past year, villagers near Leie’s Pass were alarmed to wake up Friday morn- ing to what appeared to be huge volcanic plumes, foretelling

Roger Broke the Sewer Capingy WithHis Pogo Stick Onlookers at the scene tell us that local buoon and loudmouth, Roger, has somehow busted the sewer cap at the corner of 4th and 20th. Despite a lot of shushing from the gathering crowd, Roger swears it wasn’t him, even though he was the one bouncing his pogo stick down the street. e ocer on the scene said that they don’t allow pogo in this part of town for this exact reason, and conscated his pogo. Lifesavers has unveiled a new app-based home delivery service. Lifesav- ers Prime allows sub- scribers to get same-day, door-delivered Life Saver or Fizz-O-Mint candies, sometimes within a mat- ter of hours. “We’ve got a eet of twelve trucks just in Cannatown,” said owner Jess Beijos, “Let’s just say, we’ll be ready for the moment we nally get our rst order." Life Savers Delivery NowOn-Demand

of potential geologi- cal activity or even impending eruption. In a short time, huge smoke columns rose up from an unseen crater, creating an ash cloud that towered over the nearby hills, as big as a skyscraper or even bigger. “It was miles high” said gardener Herbie Mills, who watched the entire ordeal unfold from his porch. “It blocked the very sun from the sky.” e giant skunky plumes reached higher heights than any eruptions ever before cap- tured on satellite, and the gener- ated an unparalleled number of lightning strikes — around 420 — starting in late aernoon. “We noticed that the strongest plumes were occurring with a frequency of about every twelve hours, just shortly aer 4:20 post- and ante- meridiem,” said Cannatown Spaceport geologist Becky Seeley. “We didn’t even consider the idea that these could be man-made plumes -- they were the biggest we’ve ever seen, even since Woodstock.”

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