Donahoe Kearney - May 2020

Donahoe Kearney - May 2020

BRIEF

donahoekearney.com

May 2020

WHAT THOSE CORPORATE CORONAVIRUS EMAILS ARE REALLY SAYING

Like you, when the coronavirus hit, I suddenly had an inbox full of emails from companies I didn’t even know existed. Somehow, they got my email or I signed up for something, or maybe I’ve ordered something from them. It really doesn’t matter because all of their emails were the same. And I know that because, stuck at home, I would read them .

store to ensure our team members are following the CDC recommendations. (Pretty sure Tom in shipping hasn’t washed his hands since fourth grade.)

The best (worst) emails I get are usually from law firms:

In the interest of health and safety, we’ve transitioned to working from home. (If there was a medal for this, we would so get it — and display it proudly on our website with all the other fake awards on our website — so much easier than offering valuable information to help you and your family with the legal issues you’re facing.)

And it was like they all had the same PR agency writing this stuff for them. Because it was all about them.

Here are some real emails I got, and because working from home with teenagers has greatly increased my exposure to “being a smartass,” I’ve provided a translation into what they really mean or want to say:

We’re following CDC guidelines and we’re going to list them here for you in this helpful email, Valued Customer. The CDC guidelines are … (Everything your mother told you growing up — wash your hands, get your fingers out of your mouth, cover your cough, get a tissue, and you’re not going anywhere; you’re sick — who knew moms were so ahead of the times?) Probably my personal favorite had the title: How Should Law Firms Respond During Coronavirus? It was from some law firm I've never heard of and was all about them, but after congratulating themselves for washing their hands and having a laptop, it literally said the following: “The only thing we ask is understanding. The only challenge our firm might have over this difficult time is a potential lag in responsiveness to our clients. This is simply because we are not all in the same building, but rest assured, all our excellent personnel are receiving their messages.” (Our real challenge is giving a you-know-what. Quit bothering us.) We’re in this together. (Yeah, we know we haven’t sent you a newsletter or email in the last four years, but we now decided we care about you, Valued Customer!) On a serious note, we’re in good shape here. But this is a difficult and stressful time. If you want to talk about anything — anything at all — or if we can help in any way, call me. -Frank Kearney

Dear Valued Customer,

(Translation: Maybe you bought something from us once, but we have no idea who you are because we never tried to develop a relationship with you, and even if you buy a ton of our stuff, we don’t give a rat’s ass about you because we haven’t tried to contact you or give you anything of value in years!) During these unprecedented times (we don’t know what we’re doing now) , our leadership team is actively monitoring this developing situation. (Our inappropriately named “leadership” team is reading all the coronavirus emails they get that all sound alike and combining the most boring, corporate parts into an email we’re about to send to you!) We’re here for you during the COVID-19 crisis. (First, we’re really cool because we now call it COVID-19 and as soon as our corporate lawyers allow us to use the word “pandemic,” we’re going to put that in our emails, too!) Here’s what we’re doing to prepare in these unsettled times. (So, we should have been doing this already but all the coronavirus emails we’re getting say we need to get on this.) First, know that nothing is more important than the health and well-being of our associates. (But we don’t actually provide health insurance; we get mad when employees call in sick, and we have a toxic workplace culture — plus we laid them all off!) We have always prioritized store cleanliness. (Okay — so now we actually have to clean the store. We get it.) We’ve posted the CDC guidelines in our

202.393.3320 • 1

Published by The Newsletter Pro • www.TheNewsletterPro.com

HELPING INJURED WORKERS GET BACK TO WORK

When you get hurt at work, your livelihood is at stake. If you’re like most of our clients, you’ve worked hard your whole life, paid your own way, and always taken care of yourself and your family. You can’t let a serious injury take all that away from you.

use these exams a lot in our cases to show that someone on workers’ comp or long- term disability no longer has the physical ability to return to their job after a serious injury or illness, so it’s important to have both the technology and the people who understand job functions to do the analysis. Starting with a Functional Capacity exam, she continuously evaluates the person’s physical functioning. And Flora can tell if an insurance company has referred a worker to work hardening too soon, and she

So, you need to find people who get it — I mean really get it.

That’s how we found Metropolitan Occupational Therapy (MOT). One of our clients was in physical therapy there and had such a good experience that we wanted to learn more. First, they take a holistic and compassionate approach to recovery — this is no one-size-fits-all approach. Like us, they treat people like individuals, not a number, and offer a lot of cool services that actually help people, starting with free transportation, parking reimbursement, and reimbursement for public transportation. They have a full range of physical and occupational therapy services, including a certified hand specialist and 8-hour-a-day work hardening treatment to help people with physical jobs — construction workers, mechanics, delivery drivers, nurses — get in shape after a long recovery and rehab, usually after surgery. And, of course, they are an essential business and keep their facilities in tiptop shape: cleaning, disinfecting, and distancing, so people who need it can still get physical and occupational therapy during the coronavirus pandemic. Christina, the business manager, explained how MOT has a case management system to help them beat the insurance company at their own game. (Most medical offices hate dealing with insurance companies, so they don’t, or they procrastinate, or they push it off on you.) The result is impressive — they have a great record of getting treatment authorized. And a lot of doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals refer patients to them. That’s really important because a lot of other facilities get all of their patients from insurance companies, and whose side do you think they’re on?

will push back on that. She will also evaluate whether the person has the capacity to return to work and, if so, will develop a program to get them back on the job or a way to maximize their functioning even after a serious injury. A lot of what they do is educational as well, teaching people about their nerves, muscles, and skeletal systems, and how to safely do their job. For example, they teach electricians how to manage overhead lifting, use tools, and do fine motor skill applications like turning screws, and they help retrain nurses to lift and physically care for patients. And here’s something you don’t see every day: They offer “Free Lunch Fridays” for their patients who are in work hardening. I mean, who does that? One of the cool things I also learned about was the support their patients give each other. We all know of the financial, emotional, and psychological stresses when you’re disabled because of an injury or medical condition. At MOT, a real “social fabric” develops, especially in the work hardening program. People make friends here and gain support that helps them make it through a long and difficult rehab and recovery process after a serious injury. -Brooke Birkey

They also have a state-of-the-art work hardening program. Flora is the heart and soul of the program. With over 20 years of experience, she understands the specific and often nuanced needs for work hardening evaluation and treatment. She uses their state-of-the-art BTE machine, which takes >Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6

donahoekearney.com

Made with FlippingBook Learn more on our blog