Forty Minutes

Forty Minutes

FORTY MINUTES

‘ My dark days made me stronger. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it. ’

— Emery Lord ‘ When We Collided ’

Dedicated to my Mother, Father & my shining star, my guiding light, Warrick.

With all my love.

Christopher Sedgwick

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FORTY MINUTES

I

Lilly awoke, bleary eyed and beautifully heady from the over indulgence of the night before. The sun threw shards of light across the walls of the hotel room, with glimmers of twinkling signs of life from the shadows of the birds, dancing outside. Today is a new day and a new hope of yet another blissfully happy experience abroad, away from the humdrum madness of the city back home. With all the promise of the day ahead but with the lethargy of a hangover from the night before, Lilly reached out,, without looking, to feel for Guys presence. Engaged just six months but four years together, Lilly wished for every morning to feel like this, as she finally landed on his strong shoulder. Today was also a big day. Guy had finally persuaded Lilly and her parents, who were in the adjoining room, to ‘ live a little ’ and go paragliding. After all, the picturesque views in Olu Deniz ‘ could only truly be done justice from the sky! ’. And to Lilly’s surprise, that day on the beach her mum jumped at the idea. Apparently it would be a new check on her bucket list. It would appear ones bucket list gets more extreme and expansive with age. Lilly on the other hand was wildly apprehensive, ‘ why on earth would anyone put themselves through such a thing?! ’ was her original protest. However, as ever, Guys charm, winning smile and incessant badgering, coupled with the fact her parents were proving cooler than her, twisted her arm and before she knew it she had agreed to throw herself off a cliff at six thousand feet up in the next coming days… this day.

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II

The sun was blistering hot on that fine Thursday. Lilly dressed herself in her most practical aerial attire. A day in the sky called for a t-shirt, denim shorts, trainers and a hoody for when it got chilly at those dizzying heights. Once her trainers were tied she poured herself some orange juice from the fridge and took herself to the balcony to listen to the distant sounds of chirping locusts over the splashing tiles of Guy in the shower. The sun felt intense and browning on her skin while she breathed in the humid air and gazed at the mountains, the very ones she would soon to be travelling up with much trepidation. Once Guy was out of the shower and trying to throw an outfit together in his towel, Lilly rushed back in and grasped him lovingly and with an intense longing from behind. He gently squeezed her arms that were tight around his chest. ‘Are you ok babe? You’re not scared ? ’ he questioned. Lilly couldn’t feel anymore safe in that moment . ‘I’m wonderful thanks’ followed with a content sigh ‘ Best your hurry up, else mum and dad will already be off by the beach at this rate and I want to get it over with! ’ They met Carol and John down at the hotel receptionwith the usual loving morning pleasantries and set off towards the promenade which shone bright in the distance under the sun. They past the colourful shops and cafes to meet their paragliding group, but with ample time to fit in some breakfast and not to mention a morning alcoholic beverage to calm the underlying nerves. As they walk ed, Carol took Lilly’s hand for nostalgic motherly effect which is when she felt that Lilly’s hand was trembling.

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FORTY MINUTES

‘You’re shaking, darling, are you ok? You’re not scared are

you ’

‘No, I’m fine’ ‘You have been taking your pills haven’t you?’ ‘ Yes, of course! It must just be nerves! ’ Lilly faltered. The mothers instinct was strong in this one , she thought, but she didn’t have the heart to tell her mother that she had actually forgotten to bring her medication on the holiday. She knew she would be fine without it but there was no use worrying Carol. She had already felt her concerned stare before she asked the question. They found a café with the meeting place in eyesight and with fifty minutes to spare settled down for some breakfast and pre-flight courage. Lilly sat opposite her mother and admired the jewelled evil eye necklace glistening in the sun that she had bought the day before. It could have been the adrenaline of what was to come or the mimosa but Lilly found herself beginning to lose herself in the azure blue of the eyes topaz cornea. It felt as though she was herself slipping into the twinkling deep blue ocean of some magical universe her mother was now holding around her neck and she began to feel a cold sensation run through her body as though she were dipping into the sea herself. Lilly was shaken out of her trance by being knocked by Guys rucksack as he replaced his wallet after treating them all to their mornings sustenance eager to make sure they weren’t late to the paragliding meet up. Sometimes Guys zealous excitement for pulling Lilly out of her comfort zone had her jokingly wondering whether he had some ulterior motive to just have her die of fright, but then not has a couple loved each other or experienced such happiness as they have , she told herself. As far as Lilly was concerned, the wedding day couldn’t come quick

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enough, even if it involved saying their vows whilst dangling over a pit of rattlesnakes.

III

They met their guides along with the additional daredevils outside the minibus at the foot of the beginning of a steep road not far from the crashing waves on the beach. The trained paragliders all laughed and nattered amongst themselves in Turkish whilst loading the back of the bus before gesturing for everyone to get on. Nothing about their jovial private conversation put Lilly at ease, who was now beginning to question whether they were just happily plotting their death. Once on board and with the final chance of escape slammed behind them, the engine roared into action and they began making their ascent. After a few minutes of silent apprehension one of the guides turned to the milk tongued danger seekers and announced in broken English that we were about to ‘ play spin the bottle ’ , much to a confused and unenthusiastic looking group. The thought was made even more awkward with her parents sat in front of her . Do we look like prepubescent teens , Lilly assumed everyone else was questioning too. Then with the reflex of a Jedi knight the guide whipped out a roulette wheel for each tourist to spin and inevitably find out who they would be paired up with to take them up into the skies. A twisted game of pick which stranger you will be putting your life in the hands of. As a child, Lilly was always enjoyed playing fighting video games, over anything else, especially being able to choose female fighters as she always felt they made women more empowered and powerful and who she always put great faith in. Unfortunately her only option here were male fighters.

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FORTY MINUTES

Her arrow landed on Omar, who sat in the front of the van, raised his hand when his name was announced as her partner but never looked round, which didn’t instil anymore faith in Lilly. Charming! Would be nice to see the face of the man I’ d be flying through the sky with who wasn’t my fiancé, she grumbled inwardly . She looked to her right at Guy who hadn’t even acknowledged her concern or read her mind, just waiting excitedly for his turn to spin, so Lilly looked back to her left, outside the window that she was crammed against, trying to take in the scenery without overthinking what was to come.

IV

The next twenty minutes of uncomfortable, rattling journey was fairly harmless, save the lack of mini bus suspension. The view outside the window had gone from the structures and colourful patterns of the little village where they were staying and had become a thick wall of beautiful trees blocking out any expanse of land behind them. This unfortunately gave Lilly more time to focus on the sensation of the ascension and the unnatural feeling of organs being slightly pulled from an unusual direction to what they are used to by gravity, as though she were traveling up the tracks of a vertical rollercoaster, with the same growing trepidation. Lilly’s gaze travel led over the heads of her parents and the other passengers, a mixture of silent worry and excitable nattering filling the spaces between, finally coming to rest on that of Guys. Oh how I love you she thought , she thought, taking him all in as though basking in the warm radiance of the sun as she had yesterday on the beach. Afterall, Guy had been the light of her life. Before him everything felt so much more bleak, granted there had still been some severely sad days, ( why did I forget my

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FORTY MINUTES

pills,) from time to time, but Guy always knew what to do to lift Lilly’s spirits and get her to envisage all the potential happiness that lies ahead of them, travel, wedding, children, grandchildren, and if they were lucky enough, great grandchildren. These memories filled Lilly with a great sense of comfort and overwhelming urge to give Guy a big passion kiss on the lips, but just before urges could become actions the mini bus jolted from side to side after hitting a pothole which gave everyone a little shock, many of the silent few had even let out a little squeal which they quickly became sheepish about and begun chuckling amongst themselves. L illy couldn’t help but notice that her mother had remained quiet. Perhaps that bucket list wasn’t looking as desirable when mixed with spontaneous additions. Suddenly, the thick mass of trees that seemed as they would to go on forever, vanished out of sight and to Lilly’s horror , all she could see now was a sheer drop with valleys and hills in the distance. This new vision made Lilly painfully aware of the dangerous speed they were hurtling up the very narrow, winding, dirt road and how very close to the edge they were, let alone on her side, just to make matters worse! ‘ OH MY GOD! ’ she yelped, but somehow managing to remain unheard by the other passengers bar Guy, who she was now squeezing the arm of with both hands whilst pushing her face into his shoulder. Guy laughed a little and put his hand on the back of her neck and gave her a reassuring kiss on the top of the head. This did help dissipate some of the adrenaline now coursing her veins but at that very moment the road took a sharp right, which made the frame of the minibus lean left as it turned into it. Lilly pressed her hand against the window in absolute fear as she tried to push away from the growing image of the sheer drop, that she was now getting the courtesy of a better view over.

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As she did this she pushed her body harder into Guy in an attempt to move further to the right of the bus, to stop it from tipping if nothing else, which she did on every right bend of the treacherous and increasingly petrifying road. Guy, however, mistaking this as an act of affection and just wanting to be close to one another, began leaning back into Lilly to return the sentiment. ‘ What the hell are you doing?! ’ she shrieked. ‘ What do you mean? ’ Guy laughed. ‘ Are you trying to kill me? Are you trying to kill us?! Why do you keep leaning into me! The bus will tip over the edge! Oh my God! ’ ‘ Oh! I thought... ’ ‘Don’t think! Just don’t do it again! ’ She quipped. They both looked at each other and let out a laugh although only one of them was genuine. The only thing Lilly felt truly genuine about was the fact that this was extremely unsafe, Guy has stupid ideas, and they surely were going to die! But otherwise Lilly resided to the fact that the only thing for it was to focus her eyes out the right windows at the cliff wall speeding by as they got higher and just imaging the same solid wall would be going by to the left of her so absolutely no point in looking back. None at all. Why did I forget my pills.

V

It began to dawn on Lilly, that there was no backing out of this at all, beca use if she didn’t go through with the Paragliding it would mean coming back down this horrendous road, without Guy or her parents, which she was convinced must be more dangerous than the glide itself.

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FORTY MINUTES

Her thoughts began to run away with her as she imagined all the different scenarios and wondering the statistics of fatalities through paragliding compared with driving on roads like this. But she was shocked back into reality with a gentle nudge from Guy who teasingly exclaimed, ‘ Perhaps for your twenty eight next week I can book us in for a sky dive? Huh? ’ ‘ IF I even make it to my twenty eight, which at this rate seems unlikely, I will be digging a very deep hole that you will be welcome to dive into! ’ Lilly replied unamused and without hesitation, which drew a little laughter from him. ‘ You do know it's all going to be fine and you will be so pl eased with yourself once you’ve done it! There is nothing to be scared of, these guys have done this a thousand times or more and we are in safe hands. ’ He smiled for punctuation ‘ Heights really ar en’t anything to be scared of when you have pros and health and safety, I don’t know why people get so freaked out.’ Unphased by the ever so patronising statement, Lily became caught in contemplative thought and without any of the gut wrenching fear she had been tormented with on the ascent, as though a possession of strength and calm overcame her, Lilly turned and looked out through her window and out at the expansive idyllic mountainous scenery in front of her, coldly underlined by the drop speeding past her, then in her trance and quite without realising she was speaking allowed, ‘ Did you know, they say that some peoples fear of heights is because they feel an overwhelming urge to jump. It's called High Place Phenomenon. But the French call it L’Appel du Vide, which translates to call of the void which sounds so much more romantic, don’t you think?’ ‘Ummm, no I hadn’t heard…’ ‘ Apparently even Winston Churchill used to avoid

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travelling by ship in case he suffered a compulsion to jump overboard ’ Lilly interrupted still staring out the window. There was an uncomfortable silence from Guy and she could feel his slightly unnerved energy towards the statement. Lilly felt herself drawn back into the present and turned to him to check he was ok, but it was clear he didn’t want to dwell on it as he retorted, ‘ I think those types of people are also called Lemmings. ’ Putting an end to the topic that had possessed Lilly so.

VI

‘ Hello guys! We arrive up at jump off very soon! ’ Shouted the guide across the bus. And before they knew it that hell raiser driver began to slow down at a huge concrete clearing which looked like it could have been created for something else, then Lilly noticed the rusting cable cars stacked up next to each other against the cliff face. Clearly the plan was for these to be the far more suitable transport method to the jump off point and the project got cancelled. But why? Lilly’s ever worrying mind began its usual relay race. Perhaps the project got cancelled because there were too many deaths whilst trying to implement it. Or maybe there have been so many paragliding deaths that the event itself is meant to have been cancelled and these sky cowboys have brought us up here illegally for a quick buck! It would certainly explain the battered old mini bus we all had to suffer. PLUS there is no way in hell you could get away hurtling up those dangerous dirt roads in the UK like that. YES! That must be it! Lilly thought, however the idea of protesting this, being proved right and then being thrown off the cliff by this undercover group was clearly less attractive than just getting it over with.

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FORTY MINUTES

Up on the cliff edge and tentatively stepping down out of the minibus, the air felt like cool relief on Lilly’s skin. She took in a deep calming breath and the freshness reminded her of menthol against her nostrils mixed with the fragrant drifts of the wildflowers that grew. The sunlight glistened around her, it's reflections sparkling off of any object luck y enough to catch it’s energy and in turn shares it's beauty with the rest of the world. Lilly looked down at her engagement ring and watched it dazzle and dance with all the colours of the rainbow, but somehow it's perfect symmetry, it's structure and the claw like cage that held it just so took from it any of the raw beauty it could have possessed hidden beneath the earth from where it came. A perfect example of humans unending wants and greed , Lilly found herself thinking. You want something pretty, then take it. If a man wants someone pretty, take something pretty, put it on her and then she is yours. How many delicate pretty things have been caught this way. The ability that nature had on completely influencing her whole body, mood and thoughts in such a profound way both astounded and scared her. She always felt gripped and out of control, like something deep within was being called by something far away and she didn’t know what direction she would take. A wave of guilt fell over her. To be judging and begrudging her engagement ring like that. She loves Guy with all her heart and couldn’t wait to marry him. This had nothing to do with him, it was just a passing thought , she had resided as she attempted to shake the whole experience off. During her momentary trance she had managed to miss the chaos of the parachutes and equipment being removed from the back of the bus, so hypnotised in another world, a better world, one that felt separate and more real to the one she was currently experiencing. One without pills.

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FORTY MINUTES

Lilly realised she had lost sight of her parents and fiancé in the commotion and then spotted her dad and Guy stood watching the guides unravelling and setting up their equipment. Guy stood with his arms folded clearly holding in his excitement whilst Bob stood with his hands in his pockets looking like he needed the toilet. ‘Where’s mum?’ She shouted over. ‘ Ladies room! ’ John replied, thumbing in the direction of a bush behind the bus. Clearly Carol didn’t mind admitting defeat to her nerves. Carol came back from around the bush to re-join the family and Lilly put her arms around her and gave her a big hug, which she reciprocated instinctively but then acknowledged ‘I only needed a wee, it's not my first time, I’m not scared!’ Lilly laughed. ‘ I know, I just wanted you to know howmuch I love you and it's been such a lovely holiday ’ ‘ Sweetheart, it's not over! You are going to jinx us talking like that. ’ ‘Oh I know! I’m actually feeling… excited!’ Lilly even surprised herself with the words as they came out. But she wasn’t lying, despite the literal rollercoaster of emotions she had in the journey up to this point, she genuinely felt an unusual feeling of peace at that six thousand feet up, with all the nature and views around her. ‘ See honey, I knew you’d feel differently when we got up here! ’ Guy added knowingly. Lilly smiled and moving onto her tiptoes, leant over to give him that kiss on the lips she missed onboard. When their lips met she immediately felt a rush of light headedness, almost lost her footing forcing him to grab her waist and steady her.

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‘ Wow, you ’ll be off the edge without a shoot if you aren’t careful, babe! ’ he joked. ‘ Yes be careful, the air will be thinner up here, you might lose your footing ’ John said, always with his fatherly words of wisdom.

VII

Whilst the gliders prepared their parachutes and got gussied up into their mindboggling jumble of harnesses and restraints, the tourists loitered around, a safe distance from the edge. The older members were taking snaps of the beautiful view, the younger ones were taking selfies with the view secondary to their new age narcissism but also as proof for their friends and colleagues back home, that they were cool, outgoing, thrill seekers. Lilly on the other hand kept a keen eye on her glider, Omar, as he went through the motions. She couldn’t help but notice that of all the other gliders he seemed to be the least enthused with what he was doing compared with his cheerful and laughing colleagues. Like he had done this a thousand times too many and perhaps when we land he might go straight back to the tour office and resign. Or maybe he was having a bad day. Lilly hoped it was just the latter. He paid her no mind as she stared at him stretch out the final folds of parachute on the ground while his colleagues encouraged their allocated tourist to take photos of the set up and have selfies together prejump. OR , she continued, perhaps he was just such a professional he was just focussed on the job at hand andmaking sure everything was safe rather than wasting time on niceties. ‘Urgh’ Lilly grunted to herself as she realised she was slipping back into her anxious worrying ways. Why can’t he just hurry up and get it over with? I

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wish I didn’t have so much time to think! She felt her stare turning to a scowl. Omar looked up at Lilly and she found herself instantly embarrassed and so flashed a quick smile and turned her attention elsewhere. The most obvious being the drop, like so many others. As she approached the edge of the jump off her legs began to wobble. She edged herself closer and closer to the painted and weathered safety line for photos and began to feel a twinging pull below her abdomen, it almost felt like it was coming from her womb. That place of creation tugging at her to move closer and closer to the edge. She began to relay the words that came out of her mouth to Guy earlier. The feeling of fear brought on by the urge to jump. Could there be some ironic truth in the fact it was a feeling as deep as her womb, was creation ironically tempting her to dance with death or was the sensation a survival mechanism trying to warn her that the closer she gets the less likely she will go on to create? ‘L’Appel du Vide’ she whispered under her breath. ‘ Yoo-hoo!! ’ Carol shouted, snapping Lilly once more out of one of her deep trances. ‘ Look, I’m all ready to go!’ Carol waved from the front of her guide who she was now harnessed to. Lilly felt protective panic looking at her mother suddenly so small in comparison to the man tugging at his parachute strings, trying to catch some wind, behind them. All at once, the piece, of what previously looked like flat flimsy material on the concrete, caught an abrupt updraft and billowed out into an impressive plume of yellow patterned nylon that briefly shadowed Lilly from the sun. Then, after shouting something illegible into her mother’s ear, they both ran towards the edge of the cliff and with a scream from Carol, they leapt!

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Lilly’s heart was momentarily in her throat as she tried with all her might not to look away in case of a negative outcome, but to her relief her mother had safely taken to the sky, and with the strong updrift continued to rise higher and higher off into the distance. Lilly felt immensely proud of her mother but in turn more embarrassingly inferior, as her own knees began to shake. If only she could hold her mother’s ha nd or have another reassuring hug, but of course that was impossible now, watching her shrink smaller and smaller, disappearing around a verge and out of view. Out of her world.

VIII

The next of Lilly’s loved ones leave her was John. She began to view Omar with an air of frustration. Why was he taking so long and why was he making me go through this worry for my family, why couldn’t I have been up and away with them behind her, out of sight, out of mind . She watched as her dad disappeared around the verge much like her mum did but not at such a height, perhaps it was the difference in weight. If so, she began to ponder if her size might mean that she might end up going so high there wouldn’t be chance to come back down! Finally Omar waved her over to get strapped into the harnesses in front of him. She looked over at Guy who was already secured to his instructor, however it seem like they were having some logistical issues due to Guy’s size and height, being that both were much larger than that of his glider. Lilly managed to comply with Omar ’s directions, assisting her into the restraints, whilst still managing to worry about Guys predicament. It was conceivable that this worry also acted as a distraction from the what was to come for herself.

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For a glider to successfully take off the tourist attached to their front needs to run forward and leap off in unison, however, now harnessed to his partner, it was clear the height difference was going to cause an issue with the planned take-off as when Guy stood up straight, his glider was barely on their tiptoes. Something pinched Lilly’s side which made her flinch in shock and broke her attention. She looked down to see Omar arms from behind her, clipping and tightening straps in place, clearly a difficult task with a body blocking your view. A laugh caught Lilly’s attention back around to Guy again as a resolution was apparently made in her watchful absence. To her horror Guy had shifted his gliders weight onto his back so that the short man was now clutched to him in piggy back position and without a seconds warning, but ever in his daredevil manner, Guy began running towards the edge of the jump off whilst shouting ‘ LOVE YOU HONEY!! WOOHOO!!! ’ not once looking back from the task at hand. ‘ OMG!!! ’ Lilly shrieked, as all the other remaining gliders laughed at the unusual circumstantial take off, which they would no doubt be ribbing the poor short guy about later on solid ground. As she watched Guy safely sail through air in an upward motion she finally let out the deep breath she had been holding. Guy, being as thoughtful as he was, must have explained to his glider about how nervous Lilly would be now she was left to take the leap alone. And without the pills . Although she hadn’t admitted this packing error to Guy either. This holiday was meant to be relaxing and care free. They began circling the sky in a confident and showy manner and finally Lilly saw his wildly grinning face as he waved back to her with the additional blowing of kisses. Which truly did warm Lilly’s heart and lingered there even after he too had disappeared around the verge.

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IX

Finally it would soon be Lilly’s turn to take to the sky. Although, there was a queue, two other glider pairs were waiting for the perfect updraft updraft to go on their merry way. Ever longing out the torment. Over the noise of them communicating in their native tongue, Lilly co uld feel the vibration of Omar’ chest as he shouted over, and in between speech she could feel it rise and fall, taking in and expelling breath. Life. So much of today had made Lilly think about life. But also love, the life of the others she loved. The beauty of life around her. Everything else about life was beautiful, however it began to dawn on Lilly that she still had an old familiar feeling, one that had followed her around all her life. The feeling that she could perceive and acknowledge the beauty of love and life, but it never felt like it belonged to her. That she was undeserving, a wolf in sheep’s clothing sneaking amongst it all as if it was natural but with a constant fear that she would be exposed, someone would remove the mask and reveal her as someone unlovable, unbeautiful and undeserving of life. This was something that had always filled her with dread but recently had been tamed and put to sleep by Guys encompassing devotion and kindness . But he wasn’t here anymore. He was in the sky. The first of the two waiting pairs finally took off. She was a young girl, teenage it seemed, her whole life ahead of her. As she leapt into the unknown she went up with an audible giggle. As though tickled by her whole future ahead of her, not a care in the world. So free. So naïve. Lilly’s past. Before she disappeared out of Lilly’s present as everyone else had, something fluttered into her peripheral vision. She

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turned to look and was captivated by the beautiful indigo blue shimmer of the butterflies wings, encased with cornflower blue tips as it danced daintily in her direction. Her eyes were transfixed on its trajectory. Before coming to land on Lilly’s outstretched hand. Two surprises, as she ha dn’t even realised she had been reaching out for it. The butterfly flexed its wings gently, up and down facing her direction, before turning away and coming to rest with wings flattened down, as if to show off to Lilly her beauty. The detailed flecks of coloured dust painted it's wings so perfectly, so purposefully, creating shades of blue that no camera or manmade contraption could ever do justice to, only meant for the human eye to truly appreciate. Lilly noticed how the light tips of the wings acted as a symmetrical frame, getting darker and darker towards the centre with tints and highlights that looked like ripples drifting outward from the main body, which was a deep ridge of midnight blue that almost depicted a gorge in the ocean where the seas floor disappeared into an unknown abyss. Lilly admired its beauty and felt tears forming in her eyes, which had begun to blur her vision. A quick blink caused a single tear to fall. There was commotion to the side of her, the second couple to take off. This one was a lady much older than Lilly, she was shaking, far more apprehensive than her young predecessor. This one had come up here with her husband, who at this point wasn’t even p aying any attention to her clearly visible nerves for this endeavour, more concerned with making sure he was safe and checking his watch. As she left the jump off she let out an almighty scream. Nothing exciting about it for her, just pure unadulterated fear. Lilly quickly looked back at her hand and the butterfly was gone. So graceful and perfect in its flight it hadn’t even produced the

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sensation of lift off. Unlike the woman who was still screaming. Still screaming more faintly as she disappeared out of sight. The remaining gliders and tourists cringed in sympathy and cackled in solidarity for the woman’s guide who may be deaf by the time they land. Her husband seemed to still be distracted by his watch, but was clearly just embarrassed. Lilly could only feel disappointed that she didn’t get to say goodbye to her new friend. Still staring at the impatient red faced husband she became curious how long the guides eardrum had to attempt to stay intact for. ‘ Excuse me Omar, how long are we up in the sky? ’ ‘ Forty minutes. ’ The idea of forty minutes now felt like it could be a whole lifetime.

X

It was now Omar and Lilly’s turn go. He robotically explained to her the procedure. A broken

robot, she thought.

‘ Right, when I say, we are both running to edge and jump! As soon as we leave ground you tuck your legs in, lean back into me. No fidget. No touch anything. I will readjust! ’ The abruptness no longer worried Lilly. It was almost like his broken English was him just trying to be succinct and get to the point faster. It was bordering on reassuring, rather than someone eloquently trying to flower it up as if to disguised some hidden perils. Aman stood tantalisingly close to the edge of the cliff with some sort of instrument that gaged the wind. They both stared in his direction on tender hooks. Then they received the nod and began running. Although Omar was putting far more gusto into it

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as Lilly’s legs had become weak and clumsy and she couldn’t feel her legs running over her heart racing. As they got closer to the jump, Lilly closed her eyes and saw the butterfly. This time flapping in front of her, in slow motion but somehow in real time to the situation outside of her mind as when the leap came, the butterfly dived out of her imagination as she and Omar were aggressively yanked up into the air as the full force of the updraft caught the yellow parachute above them, as if the wind was a child’s hand yanking a yellow dandelion swiftly from the earth. Lilly’s pounding heart was now in her stomach, swimming around in the acid from the force. Her diaphragm was pressing down on it with every inhalation and she wondered if the pressure of one deep breath would just cause it to stop all together. The sound and sensation of the wind billowing against her face was an added intensity. An overall assault on the senses. And then, calm. The drag on their bodies had stopped and other than sound of the wind hitting the underside of the parachute, Lilly felt as though she was floating on a cloud. She opened her eyes. Fortunately, for her heart, the view was breath-taking. Her eyes, blinking in the wind, tried to take in all the mountainous cliffs and valleys carved out by time and covered in lush green trees. They began to tilt to their right as Omar guided them around the initial verge that had swallowed all those who went before her. Lilly soon realised that she was mistaken. What she had perceived to be the breath taking view was truly demolished by what led behind the verge. If the verge seemed like a death sentence from where she had originally been standing,

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consuming people behind it, this must have been the heaven they all entered. If it was a state of mind it would be Nirvana. Omar was fondling behind her with the usual tourist photograph equipment, setting it up and getting the selfie stick and go-pro on and ready to hold the evidence of this Eden for ransom back at the kiosk where survivors could then buy them. Soon enough he was recording and snapping Lilly’s awestruck face, but she didn’t even notice. Before her, laid a green river of forest that cascaded down the rocky mountain sides, down towards the white sandy beaches and into the turquoise shallows of the ocean. They were so high the beaches looked deserted. But with the weather as gorgeous as it was and the skies so clear that there must have been hundreds of sunbathers lapping it up and children imaginatively building castles of sand. But everyone was so miniscule they disappeared into the beaches golden tones ,like additional grains of sand. She lifted her gaze and looked for her other gliders, her parents or Guy, but there was no one in sight. Everything was so tiny and out of sight she felt completely alone. Almost forgetting Omar behind her. Omar tugged hard on one side of his ropes and they began to twirl left in a steady circle and then right as he repeated the action on the other side. The movement felt so smooth and graceful, as though they had now transformed from the yanked dandelion into that of a weightless dandelion seed, spiralling through the air, secured under the light parachute of hairs that carried them. A metamorphosis. Once they stopped swirling a figure of eight, Lilly realised they were now completely over the deep midnight blue of the sea, the same midnight blue as the butterfly carried on its back.

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Like the weight of an ocean on its shoulders that can be delivered in the flap of the wings, a leap of faith. To fly, to fall. A message. The sparkling expanse of water was only broken occasionally by the white, quickly healing scars of the wakes, trailing behind the boats that travelled across it like shiny white razor blades. Flashbacks of her younger days quickly came and went. Lilly had been taking this all in from the comfort of her seated position. It still didn’t feel real, more like being surround ed by the best high definition cinema screen. She couldn’t quite believe it. One thing she had been battling was the urge to look directly down. As though to do so would present her with answers to questions she didn’t want to ask but something inside was asking for her. She slowly began to part her knees that had originally been fused together, and her legs slowly opened. Gripping the side ropes tighter and as though drawing strength from one of her childhood female fighters, she leant forward and peered down through them with an innate longing. There it was, the rush, the pull of the womb, the tingling up her legs and spine out to her fingers. The hairs stood up on the back of her neck. The call from below. She gripped tighter on the ropes and she could feel her palms sweating. She couldn’t be sure if she was breathing anymore or if all her life force had rushed straight to her wide eyes to absorb what she was seeing. The deep blue Quickly, she felt completely overwhelmed. ‘ Such beauty ’ she whispered, unheard into the wind. All this beauty. She can see it, she knew it was beautiful and how to logically articulate what she saw but she couldn’t feel it. One of the most beautiful views she’s ever seen in the world but she just felt nothing, just an emptiness, just the depression,

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just the feeling that she didn’t deserve to cast her eye upon the beauty. She was unworthy. Perhaps if she made herself one with it, if she entered it, she would feel it. This emptiness would stop, and she would become beautiful too. Like a falling star. Maybe this was nirvana. Maybe she was reaching enlightenment. The enlightenment that was meant for her. “ A transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth ” she remembered learning this in Buddhism classes at school and it was something she had memorised, had longed for, ever since. Freeing herself from her restraints would be so symbolic of freeing herself from the restraints of her mind, her illness. This was the right thing to do. This would be easy while Omar re-adjusted his go-pro and selfie stick to try and get the perfect and most expensive, panoramic shot. He must have taken time out from his assembling to have noticed the tension in her grip on the side ropes. Her white knuckles visible against the rest of her tanned skin caused by the thoughts she pondered alone. ‘ You can relax. You can put your hands down now and just relax ’ this time and for the first time his voice was loud but his tone was gentle. She could relax she thought, there is nothing to be scared of. The subconscious urge to jump, that pull on her womb was no longer sub, it was just conscious, it had been decided. With her hands on her lap she breathed in the sky air, almost imagining she could smell the salt spray of the sea thousands of feet below.

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The deep breaths mixed with the adrenaline made her dizzy, high even, as she closed her eyes and began to calmly unclip the buckle on her left leg restraint, confident that everything in front of her was in Omar’s blind spot . Then the right. The one across her chest was a little more difficult without alerting Omar to her elbows whilst she did it, so using one hand she walked it up her stomach slowly until she reached the cool, rough metal. Oh how she felt the excitement now more than ever to be away from manmade things and to head somewhere else more natural, because what was more natural if not death. *CLICK* it was done. The only things that remotely made her appear securely attached was the two straps around her shoulders, but due to her small size they were deceivingly surplus to requirement. She knew that any movement forward now and her arms could slip straight through them, stretched out behind her as she fell like a featherless angel falling to earth. When Omar finally adjusted what he intended and had the camera outstretched in front and focused on them both, Lilly looked round at him with a freeness that shocked him. ‘I’m sorry, Omar’ ‘ What? ’ he shouted She looked into the camera with tears in her eyes, thinking of Guy and her parents ‘I’m sorry . I love you. ’ ‘ What? ! ’ She leant.

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For more of my musings and poetry you can follow my Instagram @mrchristophersedgwick

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You are not alone…

Helpful links for those suffering with their mental health:

www.mind.org.uk

www.nightline.ac.uk

www.samaritans.org

www.together-uk.org

www.giveusashout.org

www.time-to-change.org.uk

www.mentalhealth.org.uk

www.thecalmzone.net

www.youngminds.org.uk

www.rethink.org

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